What I learned from Lost...

A man needs a constant in his life, or else he will lose his mind.

...and his brain will short circuit.

...and he will continue to go back and forth through time.

...but only his consciousness.

...but that won't prevent him from dying from an aneurism.

So... lesson learned. New goal: find my constant.

The constant of the day is Chick-Fil-A. Although I doubt that it's substantial enough to keep me from bleeding out of my eyes and nose (figuratively), it was quite satiating (literally) today.


Hopefully I'll find a better constant soon.

The First Annual James Grosch Awards

Hello, welcome to the First Annual Jamesies. I'm your host, James Grosch. The writers strike prevents me from writing my own monologue, but that can't prevent me from noticing things off the top of my head. Everyone loves award shows, don't they? Yep, they really do... Politics sure are crazy now. People are voting. Different people are winning. Some older fellow won in a state a few days ago. Yep. Current events are interesting, aren't they? Um... Oh, Britney Spears' sister is in a little bit of controversy. Which brings us (thank God) to our first award.

The Least Surprising Controversy of 2007 Award: Jamie Lynn Spears. A teenage girl from a small town in the South is pregnant?! My word.

Best Movie that James Saw in 2007 Sweeney Todd

Worst Argument of The Year: Fiesta Bowl Pre-Game Show The introduction to the Fiesta Bowl, there was an argument to see who had the better Country Music, West Virginia or Oklahoma. This is similar to arguing who can eat the most mayonnaise or who can drop the biggest turd.

2007 "Photoshop Hero" Award for Excellence in Photoshop: Kelly Combs, for her interpretation of "Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte"

Ian Littleworth Memorial Award for Excellence in Mancrushiness: Paul Rudd.

And now to present the next award with some really great, "spontaneous" banter, Brad Garret and Verne Troyer.

BG: I am tall and have a deep voice.
VT: I'm short.
BG: We're such a crazy pair, I am now going to be irritated at life.
VT: Speaking of crazy pairs, here's the winner for most disgusting couple of 2007: the two girls and a cup girls! (Note to readers of my blog: I've never seen this video. I've only heard stories. DO NOT investigate what this award references. Having just heard about it, I have lost any innocence I once possessed. I am a hollow shell of a man).

2007 "I'll start my work in 30 minutes" Award: TIE: Halo 3 and Rock Band. Please, give me my life back. Please.

Manute Bol Award for Reaching New Heights in Tallness: Zack DeZon

The Ian Littleworth Memorial Dissatisfaction Award: Zack DeZon, for being called tall in the last award.

Mind Scrambler Moment of 2007: Lost Season Finale

Biggest Ripoff of 2007: The Chuffies, yes, Larry Sousa, your awards are a sham.

The Mitt Romney Award for Dedication to Waffles, brought to you by Waffle House: Steve Edlund, for his idea of a waffle party.

Tom Selleck Award for Mustaches: Ian Littleworth's Mustache, but technically not Ian.

Quote of the Year 2007: "It's Me, It's Will Harris"- Will Harris

Makes Me Laugh Through My IPod Award: David Sedaris

2007 Heroes Award for Dreadful Dialogue but Awesome Story: Heroes

Badass of the Year: Kenton Chen, CIA

Most Not in California and It Makes Us Sad: Natalie Storrs

Man of the Year: Parmer the Charmer

Lifetime Achievement Award: Keith Barletta. Congrats, Keith, you've officially peaked.

Most Creative Use of a Tongue on Stage, brought to you by Gene Simmons: Natalie Peyser, for the multiple times she was voted a lover in Drood.

Doesn't Count Award: Ian Littleworth, sorry, Ian, this award doesn't count.

And, now, Ladies and Gentlemen, the moment you've been waiting for. The 2007 James Grosch Comedy award. And the winner is...

Parmer the Charmer

Oh, actually, I'm so sorry, I accidentally grabbed the envelope for the Man of the Year award. Congrats again, Parmer.

Now, for the real 2007 James Grosch Comedy Award. And the winner is: The Council of Three (Natalie Peyser, James Grosch, and Ian Littleworth) Like a three headed Hydra, the Council of Three is dominating comedy like it's Hercules (before he realizes how to kill it, and without the demigod strength and such... that Hercules).

Alright, well, now for the after party! Thanks for reading, and tune in next year for the second annual Jamesies.

You can call them Jamesies.

The First Annual Jamesies Awards: This Friday. Exclusively on JamesThoughts. Also, on Spike TV, but really, who watches Spike TV?

Bicycle Repair:

Just leave it to the professionals kids.

Three things I'm bad with...

and therefore they annoy me:

Bikes
Especially when they almost castrate you.
U-Lock Bike Locks
Especially when I can't fricking lock them without a 10 minute struggle.
Names
Especially since I forget nearly everyone's name. And I don't exaggerate. I've nearly called pretty much everyone I know the wrong name. There's always a moment of doubt, no matter how long I've known you. Even if it's for a split second, my brain is conflicted.
It's as if there were two people inside my brain. One is over-eager, loud, and mistaken. This one shouts out several different names pretty rapidly. And then there's the part of my brain that knows what the hell he's doing, but he's shy, so I don't quite hear him as well.

(warning... James' overarching generalization that makes no sense coming in 3...2...)

It would be so much easier if we were all just named "You" or something like that.

Wait... me can has no facebook?

According to facebook.com: "Hey, your account is temporarily unavailable due to site maintenance. It should be available again within a few hours. We apologize for the inconvenience."

No Facebook... for hours?

Everything feels so cold...

Low Flow? I don't like the sound of that...

If someone can tell me what the title of this post is quoting, you'll officially win a super-awesome JamesThoughts T-Shirt* Absolutely Free**

And now, some NONSENSICAL RAMBLING

-I wonder where the term "best boy grip" comes from... I bet that it's a pretty dirty story.

-I'm back in LA.

-While cleaning the kitchen today and using a various number of cleaning products, I suddenly remembered a story about a man who used two different products (i think it was ammonia and bleach). The chemical reaction proved deadly, so the ending of the story seems pretty obvious. I then started to worry that I was making the same mistake, because I had no clue what the hell I was using. I suddenly got very dizzy, and I'm not sure if it was deadly fumes or just me being paranoid. I'm pretty sure it was just my recurring fear of dying on a dirty kitchen floor and not being discovered for a week because my roommate is out of town. I mean, I think that's in most people's top-5.

-I am way too weak for Apple products and their sexiness.

-"Becoming Jane" is a somewhat interesting movie title. "Becoming Maverick: The Wizard Robot" is a much more interesting one.

-I live in an apartment with the Clapper in it. That's right: the Clapper. I've secretly wanted a clapper since I was 7 (it feels like magic!), but I could never bring myself to buy one. Then I show up at the apartment this week, and there it was. I think I can die (by a mixture of ammonia and bleach) happy now.


*Does not exist
**does not necessarily mean free