I hope you forgive me. This is the ultimate gift I can give.
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Worse than taking a bite...
I've taken some time off of the blog. Right after I decided that this should be a weekly thing. That's somewhat typical of my writing process. Once I start one project, I become enamored with it. Then a new project comes up, and I become enamored with that, leaving the old project to flounder and squirm in the back of my mind for survival. If you think that's deep or poignant, it's not trying to be. I'm just explaining some of my shortcomings as a writer. Or really, my recent mentality.
Well, I just finished my fourth show in a row this year at USC. These past few weeks have been good and torturous. Good because I was mentally spent after months of constant rehearsals. Torturous because it has been filled with the ironic anxiety that can only be caused by not having somewhere to be or something to do.
So, I've spent much of my time trying to keep myself busy and ignore those pangs that say "hey, why aren't you busy all the goddamn time? is something wrong with you?" It's one of my neuroses that I would get try to get rid of if I wasn't so amused by it. That could ultimately be my downfall as a human being: the fact that my eccentricities, neuroses, and shortcomings just fascinate me. These are nothing big, but just kind of funny. Prime example would be mail. If I know I have a package coming, I'll start checking my mailbox constantly a few days before I know the package will arrive. It's stupid, and I can even get a little nervous if I think the package will come when I'm not home, thus not able to sign (if it needs signing), and thus I have to wait even more and go through the whole rigamarole again the next day. So, I just very eagerly anticipate mail. I think through some mental determination I could easily eradicate the problem. But then again, it's kinda like watching a puppy who sees a dog on tv and starts barking at it. It's insane and nonsensical in a way, but you don't stop it because it's so amusing.
But that's not what I logged on here to write about. To be honest, I'm not sure what I wanted to write about. Oh, yeah, now I remember. I got distracted with the whole mail thing. I wanted to talk about narrative in three forms that interest me: theatre, film, and videogames. But now that I think about it, that discussion seems a bit silly right now.
See, here's what I was talking about at the start of the post. I start writing something with one intent to discuss narrative structure and merits, and I end up talking about neuroses and puppies. Jesus, maybe it's just an improvisational spirit, or more likely it's just ADD.
I'm now wondering if this is the worst blog post of all time. It might just be. Wow. I wonder if they have awards for those kind of things. And if so, how would it be determined? I would imagine most bad blog posts would be largely unread. Like this one will be.
well, www.worstblogposts.com hasn't been taken yet. maybe i should buy the domain, and then start my own award for the worst posts ever. Hint: this post will win.
I advised a friend of mine to say the phrase "worse than taking a bite out of a turd sandwich" in front of a crowd today. I wonder two things: Did he do it? and am I a bad friend to suggest such a thing? I'm guessing the answer to both is yes.
So, because this post was so awful (it really was, and it gets worse everytime I remind you that it was bad. Why, it was worse than taking a bite out of a turd sandwich! It's true). I feel like I need to make it up to my readership (all two of you) with two things:
1)I'm going to start updating every Wednesday night from now on. With posts much better than this.
2)I will post a video of Mascots hurting themselves in a few minutes.
I love you all.
Well, I just finished my fourth show in a row this year at USC. These past few weeks have been good and torturous. Good because I was mentally spent after months of constant rehearsals. Torturous because it has been filled with the ironic anxiety that can only be caused by not having somewhere to be or something to do.
So, I've spent much of my time trying to keep myself busy and ignore those pangs that say "hey, why aren't you busy all the goddamn time? is something wrong with you?" It's one of my neuroses that I would get try to get rid of if I wasn't so amused by it. That could ultimately be my downfall as a human being: the fact that my eccentricities, neuroses, and shortcomings just fascinate me. These are nothing big, but just kind of funny. Prime example would be mail. If I know I have a package coming, I'll start checking my mailbox constantly a few days before I know the package will arrive. It's stupid, and I can even get a little nervous if I think the package will come when I'm not home, thus not able to sign (if it needs signing), and thus I have to wait even more and go through the whole rigamarole again the next day. So, I just very eagerly anticipate mail. I think through some mental determination I could easily eradicate the problem. But then again, it's kinda like watching a puppy who sees a dog on tv and starts barking at it. It's insane and nonsensical in a way, but you don't stop it because it's so amusing.
But that's not what I logged on here to write about. To be honest, I'm not sure what I wanted to write about. Oh, yeah, now I remember. I got distracted with the whole mail thing. I wanted to talk about narrative in three forms that interest me: theatre, film, and videogames. But now that I think about it, that discussion seems a bit silly right now.
See, here's what I was talking about at the start of the post. I start writing something with one intent to discuss narrative structure and merits, and I end up talking about neuroses and puppies. Jesus, maybe it's just an improvisational spirit, or more likely it's just ADD.
I'm now wondering if this is the worst blog post of all time. It might just be. Wow. I wonder if they have awards for those kind of things. And if so, how would it be determined? I would imagine most bad blog posts would be largely unread. Like this one will be.
well, www.worstblogposts.com hasn't been taken yet. maybe i should buy the domain, and then start my own award for the worst posts ever. Hint: this post will win.
I advised a friend of mine to say the phrase "worse than taking a bite out of a turd sandwich" in front of a crowd today. I wonder two things: Did he do it? and am I a bad friend to suggest such a thing? I'm guessing the answer to both is yes.
So, because this post was so awful (it really was, and it gets worse everytime I remind you that it was bad. Why, it was worse than taking a bite out of a turd sandwich! It's true). I feel like I need to make it up to my readership (all two of you) with two things:
1)I'm going to start updating every Wednesday night from now on. With posts much better than this.
2)I will post a video of Mascots hurting themselves in a few minutes.
I love you all.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Governors Gone Wild!
So, if you don't know what's going on with New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer, then either you don't own a TV or a computer. So, you probably aren't one of the two people who read my blog. 
I'm not going to go off on a whole "hey, if you spend years cracking down on prostitution, maybe you should avoid getting caught engaging in prostitution" rant. That one seems a bit too obvious. But how about this: if you are going to champion an issue/vice, make sure it's not your vice. If you are on crack, maybe then you can pound the pulpit about how prostitutes are immoral and whatnot. You might be a crackhead, but at least you're not a hypocrite full of sweet sweet irony.
But I think Spitzer's problem was that he was pounding the pulpit a bit too much.
I'll be here all week folks.
The thing that really gets me is that he resigned today. Today is Wednesday. Apparently, he'll be out of office by Monday. I mean, I know he needs to pack up some things, but that's 5 whole days until he's gone. I see one of two scenarios:
1) The most awkward 3 damn work days you've ever imagined. Do the employees at the Governor's office get him a going away cake? What do you do for your publicly disgraced boss? I think getting him one of those joke penis cakes would be inappropriate, but I'd be tempted.
2)The wildest fucking 5 days in the history of New York Governors. He's playing with house money now. He's already disgraced, what harm would be an all hooker party at the Governor's mansion? It's a bit last minute, but I'm sure Eliot knows a few people.
I'm not going to go off on a whole "hey, if you spend years cracking down on prostitution, maybe you should avoid getting caught engaging in prostitution" rant. That one seems a bit too obvious. But how about this: if you are going to champion an issue/vice, make sure it's not your vice. If you are on crack, maybe then you can pound the pulpit about how prostitutes are immoral and whatnot. You might be a crackhead, but at least you're not a hypocrite full of sweet sweet irony.
But I think Spitzer's problem was that he was pounding the pulpit a bit too much.
I'll be here all week folks.
The thing that really gets me is that he resigned today. Today is Wednesday. Apparently, he'll be out of office by Monday. I mean, I know he needs to pack up some things, but that's 5 whole days until he's gone. I see one of two scenarios:
1) The most awkward 3 damn work days you've ever imagined. Do the employees at the Governor's office get him a going away cake? What do you do for your publicly disgraced boss? I think getting him one of those joke penis cakes would be inappropriate, but I'd be tempted.
2)The wildest fucking 5 days in the history of New York Governors. He's playing with house money now. He's already disgraced, what harm would be an all hooker party at the Governor's mansion? It's a bit last minute, but I'm sure Eliot knows a few people.
Saturday, March 8, 2008
A National Hero... in Misleading Quotes
From CNN.com
"Frank Buckles joined the Army at 15 and set sail for World War I on the same ship used in the rescue of the Titanic. A couple decades later, he was forced to eat from a tin cup for more than three years as a World War II POW. Now, at 107, he's a national hero."
Finally, after 107 years, it's about damn time that this man has done some good. Way to go from zero to hero, NOW, at 107. So, congrats, Frank, for finally doing something with your life.
But seriously, what the fuck do they mean? NOW, at 107, he's a national hero? What happened to those 50+ years after the Wars? Did he, at 107, finally like save a kitten or guess the showcase showdown exactly on Price is Right?
Frank Buckles, you've been a national hero since the age of 15. And here's to 107 more years of being a hero...
but not really, because i doubt being 214 could be anything but painful.
"Frank Buckles joined the Army at 15 and set sail for World War I on the same ship used in the rescue of the Titanic. A couple decades later, he was forced to eat from a tin cup for more than three years as a World War II POW. Now, at 107, he's a national hero."
Finally, after 107 years, it's about damn time that this man has done some good. Way to go from zero to hero, NOW, at 107. So, congrats, Frank, for finally doing something with your life.
But seriously, what the fuck do they mean? NOW, at 107, he's a national hero? What happened to those 50+ years after the Wars? Did he, at 107, finally like save a kitten or guess the showcase showdown exactly on Price is Right?
Frank Buckles, you've been a national hero since the age of 15. And here's to 107 more years of being a hero...
but not really, because i doubt being 214 could be anything but painful.
Saturday, March 1, 2008
What I learned from Lost...
A man needs a constant in his life, or else he will lose his mind.
...and his brain will short circuit.
...and he will continue to go back and forth through time.
...but only his consciousness.
...but that won't prevent him from dying from an aneurism.
So... lesson learned. New goal: find my constant.
The constant of the day is Chick-Fil-A. Although I doubt that it's substantial enough to keep me from bleeding out of my eyes and nose (figuratively), it was quite satiating (literally) today.
Hopefully I'll find a better constant soon.
...and his brain will short circuit.
...and he will continue to go back and forth through time.
...but only his consciousness.
...but that won't prevent him from dying from an aneurism.
So... lesson learned. New goal: find my constant.
The constant of the day is Chick-Fil-A. Although I doubt that it's substantial enough to keep me from bleeding out of my eyes and nose (figuratively), it was quite satiating (literally) today.
Hopefully I'll find a better constant soon.
Friday, January 11, 2008
The First Annual James Grosch Awards
Hello, welcome to the First Annual Jamesies. I'm your host, James Grosch. The writers strike prevents me from writing my own monologue, but that can't prevent me from noticing things off the top of my head. Everyone loves award shows, don't they? Yep, they really do... Politics sure are crazy now. People are voting. Different people are winning. Some older fellow won in a state a few days ago. Yep. Current events are interesting, aren't they? Um... Oh, Britney Spears' sister is in a little bit of controversy. Which brings us (thank God) to our first award.
The Least Surprising Controversy of 2007 Award: Jamie Lynn Spears. A teenage girl from a small town in the South is pregnant?! My word.
Best Movie that James Saw in 2007 Sweeney Todd
Worst Argument of The Year: Fiesta Bowl Pre-Game Show The introduction to the Fiesta Bowl, there was an argument to see who had the better Country Music, West Virginia or Oklahoma. This is similar to arguing who can eat the most mayonnaise or who can drop the biggest turd.
2007 "Photoshop Hero" Award for Excellence in Photoshop: Kelly Combs, for her interpretation of "Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte"
Ian Littleworth Memorial Award for Excellence in Mancrushiness: Paul Rudd.
And now to present the next award with some really great, "spontaneous" banter, Brad Garret and Verne Troyer.
BG: I am tall and have a deep voice.
VT: I'm short.
BG: We're such a crazy pair, I am now going to be irritated at life.
VT: Speaking of crazy pairs, here's the winner for most disgusting couple of 2007: the two girls and a cup girls! (Note to readers of my blog: I've never seen this video. I've only heard stories. DO NOT investigate what this award references. Having just heard about it, I have lost any innocence I once possessed. I am a hollow shell of a man).
2007 "I'll start my work in 30 minutes" Award: TIE: Halo 3 and Rock Band. Please, give me my life back. Please.
Manute Bol Award for Reaching New Heights in Tallness: Zack DeZon
The Ian Littleworth Memorial Dissatisfaction Award: Zack DeZon, for being called tall in the last award.
Mind Scrambler Moment of 2007: Lost Season Finale
Biggest Ripoff of 2007: The Chuffies, yes, Larry Sousa, your awards are a sham.
The Mitt Romney Award for Dedication to Waffles, brought to you by Waffle House: Steve Edlund, for his idea of a waffle party.
Tom Selleck Award for Mustaches: Ian Littleworth's Mustache, but technically not Ian.
Quote of the Year 2007: "It's Me, It's Will Harris"- Will Harris
Makes Me Laugh Through My IPod Award: David Sedaris
2007 Heroes Award for Dreadful Dialogue but Awesome Story: Heroes
Badass of the Year: Kenton Chen, CIA
Most Not in California and It Makes Us Sad: Natalie Storrs
Man of the Year: Parmer the Charmer
Lifetime Achievement Award: Keith Barletta. Congrats, Keith, you've officially peaked.
Most Creative Use of a Tongue on Stage, brought to you by Gene Simmons: Natalie Peyser, for the multiple times she was voted a lover in Drood.
Doesn't Count Award: Ian Littleworth, sorry, Ian, this award doesn't count.
And, now, Ladies and Gentlemen, the moment you've been waiting for. The 2007 James Grosch Comedy award. And the winner is...
Parmer the Charmer
Oh, actually, I'm so sorry, I accidentally grabbed the envelope for the Man of the Year award. Congrats again, Parmer.
Now, for the real 2007 James Grosch Comedy Award. And the winner is: The Council of Three (Natalie Peyser, James Grosch, and Ian Littleworth) Like a three headed Hydra, the Council of Three is dominating comedy like it's Hercules (before he realizes how to kill it, and without the demigod strength and such... that Hercules).
Alright, well, now for the after party! Thanks for reading, and tune in next year for the second annual Jamesies.
The Least Surprising Controversy of 2007 Award: Jamie Lynn Spears. A teenage girl from a small town in the South is pregnant?! My word.
Best Movie that James Saw in 2007 Sweeney Todd
Worst Argument of The Year: Fiesta Bowl Pre-Game Show The introduction to the Fiesta Bowl, there was an argument to see who had the better Country Music, West Virginia or Oklahoma. This is similar to arguing who can eat the most mayonnaise or who can drop the biggest turd.
2007 "Photoshop Hero" Award for Excellence in Photoshop: Kelly Combs, for her interpretation of "Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte"
Ian Littleworth Memorial Award for Excellence in Mancrushiness: Paul Rudd.
And now to present the next award with some really great, "spontaneous" banter, Brad Garret and Verne Troyer.
BG: I am tall and have a deep voice.
VT: I'm short.
BG: We're such a crazy pair, I am now going to be irritated at life.
VT: Speaking of crazy pairs, here's the winner for most disgusting couple of 2007: the two girls and a cup girls! (Note to readers of my blog: I've never seen this video. I've only heard stories. DO NOT investigate what this award references. Having just heard about it, I have lost any innocence I once possessed. I am a hollow shell of a man).
2007 "I'll start my work in 30 minutes" Award: TIE: Halo 3 and Rock Band. Please, give me my life back. Please.
Manute Bol Award for Reaching New Heights in Tallness: Zack DeZon
The Ian Littleworth Memorial Dissatisfaction Award: Zack DeZon, for being called tall in the last award.
Mind Scrambler Moment of 2007: Lost Season Finale
Biggest Ripoff of 2007: The Chuffies, yes, Larry Sousa, your awards are a sham.
The Mitt Romney Award for Dedication to Waffles, brought to you by Waffle House: Steve Edlund, for his idea of a waffle party.
Tom Selleck Award for Mustaches: Ian Littleworth's Mustache, but technically not Ian.
Quote of the Year 2007: "It's Me, It's Will Harris"- Will Harris
Makes Me Laugh Through My IPod Award: David Sedaris
2007 Heroes Award for Dreadful Dialogue but Awesome Story: Heroes
Badass of the Year: Kenton Chen, CIA
Most Not in California and It Makes Us Sad: Natalie Storrs
Man of the Year: Parmer the Charmer
Lifetime Achievement Award: Keith Barletta. Congrats, Keith, you've officially peaked.
Most Creative Use of a Tongue on Stage, brought to you by Gene Simmons: Natalie Peyser, for the multiple times she was voted a lover in Drood.
Doesn't Count Award: Ian Littleworth, sorry, Ian, this award doesn't count.
And, now, Ladies and Gentlemen, the moment you've been waiting for. The 2007 James Grosch Comedy award. And the winner is...
Parmer the Charmer
Oh, actually, I'm so sorry, I accidentally grabbed the envelope for the Man of the Year award. Congrats again, Parmer.
Now, for the real 2007 James Grosch Comedy Award. And the winner is: The Council of Three (Natalie Peyser, James Grosch, and Ian Littleworth) Like a three headed Hydra, the Council of Three is dominating comedy like it's Hercules (before he realizes how to kill it, and without the demigod strength and such... that Hercules).
Alright, well, now for the after party! Thanks for reading, and tune in next year for the second annual Jamesies.
Monday, January 7, 2008
You can call them Jamesies.
The First Annual Jamesies Awards: This Friday. Exclusively on JamesThoughts. Also, on Spike TV, but really, who watches Spike TV?
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