The First Annual James Grosch Awards

Hello, welcome to the First Annual Jamesies. I'm your host, James Grosch. The writers strike prevents me from writing my own monologue, but that can't prevent me from noticing things off the top of my head. Everyone loves award shows, don't they? Yep, they really do... Politics sure are crazy now. People are voting. Different people are winning. Some older fellow won in a state a few days ago. Yep. Current events are interesting, aren't they? Um... Oh, Britney Spears' sister is in a little bit of controversy. Which brings us (thank God) to our first award.

The Least Surprising Controversy of 2007 Award: Jamie Lynn Spears. A teenage girl from a small town in the South is pregnant?! My word.

Best Movie that James Saw in 2007 Sweeney Todd

Worst Argument of The Year: Fiesta Bowl Pre-Game Show The introduction to the Fiesta Bowl, there was an argument to see who had the better Country Music, West Virginia or Oklahoma. This is similar to arguing who can eat the most mayonnaise or who can drop the biggest turd.

2007 "Photoshop Hero" Award for Excellence in Photoshop: Kelly Combs, for her interpretation of "Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte"

Ian Littleworth Memorial Award for Excellence in Mancrushiness: Paul Rudd.

And now to present the next award with some really great, "spontaneous" banter, Brad Garret and Verne Troyer.

BG: I am tall and have a deep voice.
VT: I'm short.
BG: We're such a crazy pair, I am now going to be irritated at life.
VT: Speaking of crazy pairs, here's the winner for most disgusting couple of 2007: the two girls and a cup girls! (Note to readers of my blog: I've never seen this video. I've only heard stories. DO NOT investigate what this award references. Having just heard about it, I have lost any innocence I once possessed. I am a hollow shell of a man).

2007 "I'll start my work in 30 minutes" Award: TIE: Halo 3 and Rock Band. Please, give me my life back. Please.

Manute Bol Award for Reaching New Heights in Tallness: Zack DeZon

The Ian Littleworth Memorial Dissatisfaction Award: Zack DeZon, for being called tall in the last award.

Mind Scrambler Moment of 2007: Lost Season Finale

Biggest Ripoff of 2007: The Chuffies, yes, Larry Sousa, your awards are a sham.

The Mitt Romney Award for Dedication to Waffles, brought to you by Waffle House: Steve Edlund, for his idea of a waffle party.

Tom Selleck Award for Mustaches: Ian Littleworth's Mustache, but technically not Ian.

Quote of the Year 2007: "It's Me, It's Will Harris"- Will Harris

Makes Me Laugh Through My IPod Award: David Sedaris

2007 Heroes Award for Dreadful Dialogue but Awesome Story: Heroes

Badass of the Year: Kenton Chen, CIA

Most Not in California and It Makes Us Sad: Natalie Storrs

Man of the Year: Parmer the Charmer

Lifetime Achievement Award: Keith Barletta. Congrats, Keith, you've officially peaked.

Most Creative Use of a Tongue on Stage, brought to you by Gene Simmons: Natalie Peyser, for the multiple times she was voted a lover in Drood.

Doesn't Count Award: Ian Littleworth, sorry, Ian, this award doesn't count.

And, now, Ladies and Gentlemen, the moment you've been waiting for. The 2007 James Grosch Comedy award. And the winner is...

Parmer the Charmer

Oh, actually, I'm so sorry, I accidentally grabbed the envelope for the Man of the Year award. Congrats again, Parmer.

Now, for the real 2007 James Grosch Comedy Award. And the winner is: The Council of Three (Natalie Peyser, James Grosch, and Ian Littleworth) Like a three headed Hydra, the Council of Three is dominating comedy like it's Hercules (before he realizes how to kill it, and without the demigod strength and such... that Hercules).

Alright, well, now for the after party! Thanks for reading, and tune in next year for the second annual Jamesies.

You can call them Jamesies.

The First Annual Jamesies Awards: This Friday. Exclusively on JamesThoughts. Also, on Spike TV, but really, who watches Spike TV?